This is Doctor Frasier Crane, M.D., Ph.D., A.P.A., Ed.D. here today filling in for the "Bulldog" Bob Briscoe on the Gonzo Sports Show. Unfortunately, Bulldog was rushed to the hospital with a bout of Campylobacter following trois unfortunate helpings of Gil Chesterton's foie gras at the company luncheon. Thus, I have been called here today, in relief, to discuss the 2013 Seattle Mariners. While my critique may be, at times, abecedarian, it is important to remind you that I'm listening.

I must admit, my extensive knowledge of the feats of athleticism begin and end with the sport of kings. However, I do find myself at somewhat ease knowing that the Mariners have a King of their own. Yes, I speak of King Felix Hernandez, the star pitcher of the Seattle Mariners who recently signed a $135.5 million extension to remain in the Emerald City. Though, I must say, I feel rather odd referring to an individual as "King Felix." After all, it was Lucius Cornelius Sulla Felix who first popularized the name "Felix" as a dictator in the Republic of Rome in the first century B.C.E.. While my producer Roz feels "King Felix" is a tad redundant, I feel it borderlines non-sequitur as each ruler is bestowed with a separate set of powers and stems of authority. Granted, that is true only if you take the Sulla definition of "Felix" and not the literal definition meaning "luck" or "good fortune." But I digress . . .