We did it!

We not only cut a handshake deal with the Carolina Panthers requiring them to take $125 million in public money whether they need it or not, but we also demonstrated how fiscally disciplined we are by giving them only a 15 percent tip for upkeep.

There is simply no other city in the hemisphere that can match our negotiation skills. None.

We did it in only a matter of months, a record pace. This shows what we can do when we set aside our political differences to tackle the toughest challenges facing the metropolis.

We did it by boldly taxing the peasants on the food they eat and beer they drink. And just in case any of them get whiny about the imposition, we ensured it would be only a temporary annoyance, lasting no more than 30 years.

We did it behind closed doors so the public would be spared the boredom of listening to the facts.